You may have noticed that my blog has been lacking some of its usual emotion recently. I’ve been writing posts but finding myself somewhat distanced for them, writing for the sake of writing, not feeling the words I’ve been putting out. The truth is that I have been finding it hard to write raw content filled with honesty and emotion because I’ve been struggling to feel my own.
My life has changed drastically in the past 12 months. I left the comforting embrace of the educational system, began a career, moved house, ended a long-term relationship with someone I loved and started to discover who I was in this world on my own. My current self feels almost unrecognisable to the woman who graduated 12 months ago.
Alone with my thoughts for the first time in my life, I found myself consumed by them. I felt the pressure of society weighing down heavily upon my shoulders, the need to succeed, the drive to support myself, a longing for security and financial freedom. In recent months I have felt things growing to somewhat of a crescendo but instead of embracing the raging fears that I felt building inside my mind, I buried them. I stifled the flames and sat on the hot coals denying their existence.
Wearing a smile that I wasn’t truly feeling I carried on with my life, with only the occasional late night panic-attack serving as a reminder of the coals I kept buried. But then the coals started to reignite, the flames lapped up against my skin bringing months of suppressed emotion to the surface and I let it burn. I opened up to those who needed to hear and liberated my mind to those things that had been causing me so much anguish.
Embracing the uncertainty and opening up to my fears seemed to somehow release me from their torment. With all things laid bare I started to feel again. At first sadness, anger, then guilt, relief and finally joy.
Walking for hours a-top the downs and then giving myself to the cool, gentle sea, I finally felt safe to just be.